Fun Friday Randoms

So I titled this post last night at work before shit hit the fan.... LITERALLY and put me in an awful mood, so awful in fact that I don't even remember the fun random things that I was going to tell y'all.  Instead, I'm going to stick with the irony and tell you about the not so fun facts.  Sorry for being a downer today, but I feel it's warranted.

Firstly, when I got to work last night I got TERRIBLE report on my patients... the nurse was just like la dee dahh 3 is a little confused. okay, have a great night!!!  Needless to say, she was not back for me to KILL this morning.   As soon as I walk in my patient's room I can tell he is batshit crazy... 20 minutes later I find a bed pan filled with liquid shit flung across the room.  Not the best start to our relationship.... I can handle most anything the nursing world throws at me... bleeding from the head... awesome!  7 gunshot wounds... I wanna play!  Impaled with a 2x4??  All over it!  Need someone to hold pressure in the carotid artery or you are going to die.... I'm your gal!  If you poop or have a nasty lougie cough.... I'm gonna vomit.  Mix that with screaming and cussing at me calling me every dirty name in the book and refusing to stay in bed despite being tied to it AND being given enough meds to kill a horse and I'm pretty much over you.  And then my poor other patient decides he's had enough at 5 am and we get to do all kinds of crazy stuff to you up until shift change... BLAH!!!  So if anyone has any new career suggestions for me, I'm all ears!!   Not really, I like my job, it is the perfect mix of challenging and getting to be lazy.... last night was just one of those nights.

Secondly, I get a text from my future mother in law saying she wants to discuss their upcoming overnight visit next week so if I could please call her.... I guess she couldn't wait til this evening.  She then proceeds to send me another text asking if she can clean my house for me while she is here.  For some reason this strikes a nerve with me.  I honestly don't think she meant for it to come out as "your house is a damn pig pen and I can't stand to be there in it's current condition.  Why can't you keep house as good as me, even though you work a full time job.... YOU SUCK at life and don't know how to be a good wife to my son "  But that is how I take it.  I didn't even know how to respond to the text.  She worded it nicely, saying that she enjoys cleaning and that Ryan and I work so hard that we deserve a maid sometimes, but I just don't know.  So what am I going to do??  Ignore it and bust my ass on my next days off to have the house effing glistening when she arrives!!  Maybe I'm over-reacting, but it really just irked me.... plus any time she has cleaned she hasn't done things "my way" and that bothers me too because I have to hunt for my things or redo what she did... Ugh, maybe I'm just being a mean bitch... thoughts?  And I'm not a mother in law basher, I really do love Ryan's mom.  She is so sweet and I know that she truly does love me as a daughter and that goes a long way, even if she does write her birthday into my calendar so big that nothing else fits, including the 2 other birthdays that fell on that day, did not use the right color, and her handwriting does not match mine perfectly, EVEN THOUGH there are post-its next to the calendar so that dates can be written down for authorized people aka ME to add in!!

 Oh look, her son does it too.... with his serial killer handwriting! and FYI, sir, I don't need "conquer the galaxy" written on my list because I get that shit done on the daily!!!  yea, I'm that tired

On a positive note, since I'm even getting tired of the grumpiness of this post.... I got back into my  meal prepping and clean eating last night after a few off days that made me feel like garbage on top of getting all bloated and gaining 4 lbs.  I prepped up all my lunches for work, smoothies for before bed, and chopped up veggies for omelets since I can't find my muffin tins to make those little baked egg muffin thingys and guzzled my water like there were unicorns in the bottom of the bottle.   I even decided that yesterday was a good day to start 30DS Level 2 again!  I won't be doing it today due to being physically and mentally exhausted from the thought of having to go back to work tonight (unless I somehow manage to wake up early)  but it feels good to be REALLY sore!  I love how working out makes me feel, and I wish I would remember that every time I chose to watch TV or binge eat instead.

Cajun baked tilapia, roasted zucchini, grapes, a cutie, triscuits with a laughing cow spreadable = YUM!

And don't forget to sign up for the Secret Santa Swap!!  It's going to be oodles of noodles of fun!!   You have until Monday, December 2 to sign up!!  Just email me (jenadams426@gmail [dot] com) your name, address, link to your blog, and a lil something something about what makes Christmas amazeballs to you!!!

Okay, well I'm off to crash.  I hope y'all have an awesome Friday and weekend!  Don't forget to watch Alabama stomp all over Georgia so that we can win back to back national championships!!!

SHHHH it's a VLOG! Swag Swap Show Off

Happy Wednesday ladies!!

So, I finally got my vlog post to work!!  I have so much going on today that I had to limit myself to 1 take and I had only been awake long enough to put on make up, so it's basically awkward... so it should make for a good laugh at the very least.  I've never done a vlog before so I don't know how to do all the fanciness to make it better quality or what not, so again I apologize for the crumminess.  However, I want to give another HUGE thanks to Marianne aka The Mrs. D!!  She was the best partner EVAH and is the newest addition to my BFFs!!  So, enjoy your morning laugh at my expense, don't worry, I'm laughing too :)

Also, I realized after I did the video that I left out the super cute cupcake ornament she had sent me!  I put it on the tree and forgot to take it down so here it is 

Isn't it GREAT!!  It's PINK, it's GLITTERY, and it's a CUPCAKE!!  Need I really say more?!?  It has a primo spot on my tree and every time I look at it and smile thinking about my new blog friends.

Well I hope you guys all enjoyed your swag if you participated in the swap, and if you didn't get to play, here's a chance to join in!  Keyona and I are putting together a Secret Santa.  HERE is the link to all the details, sign up by December 2 to play!!!

I am going to get in my first run in over a week today.... YIKES!  I've missed it and the scale has too.  Just a warning, don't eat Taco Bell and baby shower food and expect to see anything less than 4 lbs of water weight the next morning!  But it's okay, I'm back to eating mostly clean and getting my sweat on today!

Okay, well I'm off to attempt to cram 7582654 things into my last day off  before Ryan gets home and we have our first official Christmas movie night of the year!!  Hope everyone has a fantabulous day filled with glitter and unicorns :)

You Know You Wanna Play....Secret Santa Swap!!

Hay Hayy Haayy lovies!!

I hope everyone had an amazing Thanksgiving and snagged lots of deals while avoiding getting trampled.  As much as I enjoyed the side dish of holidays, I am sooo excited to move on to the main course CHRISTMAS!!!   I mean what is not to love?? the lights, the decorations, Christmas movies 24/7 on the Hallmark Channel where single parents overcome the tragic loss of their spouse and find love again (seriously, there's a theme),  Christmas songs, Blake Shelton getting his own Christmas special this year (YUM), everyone can suddenly bake amazing cookies, and PRESENTS... which brings me to my next point.

Keyona and I are hosting a Secret Santa Swap!!  We thought that the Swag Swap that Kassie hosted in November was so much fun that we would carry it over into Christmas too!

I know, I know, you are all now sitting there saying to yourselves what an amazing idea this is and MUST know how to get in on it!  So here's how it works.

1. Sign up by December 2
2. You will receive an email with your buddy's info.  Keep the person you are given a secret!  The person who you are sending to is NOT sending to you, hence SECRET Santa, if you blab you will be on the naughty list!

3. Be willing to spend $30 (no more no less... unless you are an amazing couponer)

4.  Include at least 1 Christmas item

5. Packages must be shipped by December 15, to ensure that they arrive by Christmas

6.  Share your goodies on your blog! There will be a link up on December 31st

7.  Have fun and get into the spirit!  Get creative, the cornier the better!

Email me at jenadams426@gmail (dot) com by December 2 to get in on the fun!!  If you already emailed Keyona you are good to go!  It was so much fun participating last month, I mean who doesn't love getting a package, and the more people we have participating the better!!

You can send anything you think that person may like or just stuff you love that you want to share!  You can wrap everything individually, include notes, whatever!!  This is such a fun way to make a new friend. I will be vlogging about my swag swap goodies tomorrow, so stay tuned for that bundle of awkward hand talking!

And just because I know you are dying to see what kind of excitement has been going with me, here's a sneak peak at what is going on over here....

My living room!!  it's the first room I have finished decorating and has all my favorites!

Sweet Ali let me drape her in lights while I was decorating the tree and she posed for like  9852 pictures

Another diaper cake!  I think all my friends may be pregnant this year

My FAVORITE Little Debbie, and I bought NONE of them!!  because I can literally eat a whole box in one sitting so they are best left on the shelf

I was able to get my tree up while I watched the parade on Thanksgiving, and it was so fun, it may be my new tradition

I got these Express coupons in the mail and they are too good to throw away, but I can't wear Express at this point.  So, if you would like them and actually use them, leave me a comment saying so and I will mail them to you!  It is a $30 of a $75 purchase on one and $50 off a $125 purchase on the other!!!

Well I am off to get ready for a baby shower that I am now running late for!!  Don't forget to sign up for Secret Santa!!!  I promise it will be a BLASTY BLAST!!!

Dumping Grounds

Hey y'all!

So, I had planned on doing a vlog today bragging about all the goodies I got from the swag swap.  I had the best partner EVAH, Marianne (aka The Mrs. D) over at When Does Mommy Get A Nap.  Go check her out, like right now, because she is amazing in every way and thanks to YouTube or my lack of techie knowledge, I am having difficulty uploading my video.  My file may be too big or something, YouTube is telling me that my video will be ready to view in 787 minutes, so we shall see.  If nothing else, I will get that to you guys next week!  I am sooo excited to share all my amazing swag, and can't wait to do another one of these things.  HUGE thanks to Marianne!  I love everything she picked out, and it made my day!!  I mean, who doesn't love opening a huge box of fun in front of your fiance who didn't get anything getting presents for no reason?!?!  Plus, I know y'all are just dying to actually see and hear my awkwardness brought to life!

So, yesterday was the end of my Thanksgiving week at my parents.  I had so much fun spending time with my parents and sister, but I was definitely glad to get home.  I had big plans to get my house sparkling clean and ready for Christmas.  I will say that I got the main living areas all clean and the tree is up and lighted (lit?)  but I was ready to crash by 10, so it's a work in progress.  I'll let some pictures do the talking about my week.  For those of you who follow on Instagram, just scroll down, you've already been to this party.

 We had a sisters night out, so I did my first OOTD shot

 Being Silly at Target

 The Christmas Tree lighting at the outdoor mall

 We had a Twilight marathon before seeing the final one... so that my mom could convince me that I don't hate the movies, turns out I don't, second time's a charm.  I still think Robert Pattinson looks like a heroin addict, and Kristen Stewart is .......... 

 I gave my sister a "make-over"  Lesson- don't ever let me touch your make up, but her hair looks great! AND she has lost around 75lbs and looks fantastic

 Our Fakesgiving Turkey!  sooooo yummy, and made the best Fakesgiving sandwiches!

 Even Brewster the Walrus gets to celebrate!  My mom would die if she knew her legs had hit the web

 I tried a new foundation that I LOVE and stole from my mom.  And yes, I love to part my hair as far to the side as it will allow

 So this was the evolution of my face near the end of Breaking Dawn.. I don't want to say too much if you haven't seen it, but wowsers.

And in complete randomness, today I did some grocery shopping for my attempt at clean eating and meal prepping.  I'm pretty excited to give it a try.  I did paleo for a while last year and had good results,  I just got bored with it and lazy on the cooking.  Clean eating seems to be similar, but a little less restrictive, so I think it will go great once I get all the processed crap out of my system.  I won't be going completely clean, but I do hope to go at least 50% for now.  And as far as meal prepping goes, I think it will save me some $$$ to prepare clean lunches to take to work in advance instead of spending $2 and up for lean cuisines, not to mention how much healthier it will be!  So now it's time to clean out the fridge and cabinets and take what I can to the food bank!  Plus, I always hear people say how expensive it is to eat healthy or clean, but it didn't cost near what I though it would.  I got this whole cart at Sam's for $82 and it will last over a week, not to mention the stuff I already have at home.  I'll keep ya posted on how it goes :)

This is when I got in the car this morning and realized that tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I was venturing out into the GROCERY STORE of all places.

And, finally.  I just wanted to vent share with y'all a little story about a man who dips (tobacco for those of you not in the south) while reading in bed, despite his amazing fiance telling him that it is a bad idea because he is going to fall asleep with it in his mouth and choke and die in his sleep.  Unfortunately, this is not what happened.  What DID happen was that this amazing girl woke up at 3 am thinking she had somehow peed the bed, because it was wet and she was soaked and that is the only possible explanation??  Only to reach down and feel an open soda bottle not unlike the ones that she finds all over the house (NASTY).  Yep, the freshly washed, brand new sheets were soaked through with dip spit... all the way down into the $600 (retail price, not what was paid) pillow top mattress cover AND her nightshirt AND skin!  Needless to say, NOT a happy camper.  All the bedding had to be stripped off and washed and the mattress pad had to be bleach penned, oxy cleaned, and febreezed.  The upside is that Ryan is so grateful to still be alive that he was super sweet to me all day, and did not even make fun of me when I let him watch my vlog video.  I swear if I had known about the dip before getting emotionally attached that would be a deal breaker, but he did say that this was a good motivator for quitting.... fingers crossed.

I hope you all have an amazing Thanksgiving tomorrow!  I can't wait to read about them!  I will be working and celebrating with my amazing co-workers.  I am so thankful that I have a wonderful job to go to each week and that I get to work and learn from such amazing people.  So I am not even a bit sad to be there.  HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

The Gift of Life, One Year Later

Hay hay haaay, hookahs!!

I finally made it to my parents where I will be living it up early 2000s style for 5 days!  I've mentioned before how much I love coming home to visit my family, and returning to princess status where I belong.   Plus it is officially Christmas here which automatically amps the happy up by 150%.  It makes me super excited to get my Christmas decorations out when I get home and get my house all spotless for Santa.

As I told you guys before, today is a special day in my family, and I really hope we get the chance to celebrate.  So, this may get a little long winded, sorry :)  but hang with me!

One, year ago today, my family was given the most amazing gift... the gift of life.  One year ago today,  my dad received a kidney transplant, thanks to his amazing and beautiful sister, my Aunt Tammy!  My dad was diagnosed with a rare progressive kidney disease when he was in his early 20s getting a routine physical for his new job.  When I was 10, I remember him having a biopsy and our family being told to prepare for the likelihood of dialysis and the need for a transplant... well I remember he had surgery and that everyone got really scared and I was sitting in my dad's lap and he held me and cried, which I can count on 1 hand the number of times that has happened in my life.  Luckily, the disease process was much slower than the doctors imagined and it took 15 years for my dad's health to reach the low point (one kidney was completely dead and the other had 8% function), and timing couldn't have been worse.

In January 2011, his mother was diagnosed with cancer that had spread, and being a tough lady, she decided to fight.  We were told that if effective, the treatments could give her up to 3 more years.  During her treatment, my dad was told that it was either dialysis or transplant time, and my dad had made it very clear that dialysis was not an option he was willing to consider.  My aunt immediately asked what she had to do to donate her kidney proclaiming that she was already facing the possibility of losing her mom and couldn't lose her brother as well, and the process began.  My grandmother died at the end of April, knocking the wind out of all of us, and we realized just how precious life and more importantly, family really is.  Transplant evaluation started and after testing, their kidneys were a near perfect match, which doesn't happen often.  However, both my dad and Aunt had to lose about 40lbs before the surgery could be scheduled, so they got to work.  My aunt immediately cleaned up her eating and hired a trainer and within a few months she had lost all the weight (and looked amazing).  My dad, of course, was able to stop drinking sweet tea, and watch his calories and lost 40+lbs in about a month.... sickening.

last set of lab work before the transplant!

 The night before the transplant, my parents, my aunt her husband all went out to dinner.  My parents had picked out a necklace with an angel wing pennant for my aunt  (My grandma had told my aunt that she had earned one of her angel wings by being such a great daughter and never left her side during her last months, and it had sort of become a family joke/saying during that time) so now she had earned her other wing and was an official angel. Hearing my mom tell me about it sounds like it was an amazingly beautiful moment and I would have loved to see it.

Transplant day was finally here, and we were a wreck.  Two members of our already shaken family were undergoing major surgery that had major risks to both, but we all knew that the surgery would be harder on my aunt than my dad, which also made it hard.  Luckily, my grandma was soooo tight with the big guy up in Heaven and everything went perfectly, "textbook" per the surgeons.  They both recovered well, and within 48 hours, my dad's kidney function levels were only slightly above normal.  My aunt had a lot of pain, but healed quickly and was up and about in just a few days also. It was a long road for all of us, but we made it!

Christmas!! about 1 1/2 months post transplant!

One year post transplant, my dad is doing amazing!  His kidney function is normal, and other than gaining back some weight he doesn't have side effects from his truckload of medications.  My aunt is also doing great, and our family couldn't be closer.  2011 was a tough road for my family, and through it all we learned to laugh louder, hug tighter, love harder, and that faith always gets you through.  My aunt didn't have to donate her kidney to my dad, but she did it without pause.  Even though a sibling is the best match many people aren't willing to take that risk, which was surprising to hear, and working with transplant patients, I see it all the time.  We will never be able to thank my aunt enough for what she did.  She says it was a "duh" thing to do, her brother needed a kidney, she had one, she didn't want to lose her brother, so bam!  She even tells people that donating the kidney saved her life because of the 40lbs she had to lose to get ready.

I have no words to express the feelings I have for my aunt, gratitude really isn't enough.  She gave me my daddy, how do you even begin to thank someone for that?!  Because of her, my dad will be walking me down the aisle next year, be there to see my children, and whatever else this crazy life has in store for me.... all because of the love she has for her brother.

Every year thousands of people get put on the transplant waiting list, and every year thousands of people die waiting.  My family was very lucky to have a willing donor, but not every family is, and since a kidney is the only organ that can come from a living donor, most don't have that option.  Organ transplant is an amazing thing, but it isn't possible without donors.  Every day, I work with patients and families who have just received a transplant or are in desperate need of one, and it's an amazing thing and sometimes heart breaking.  I can't imagine not making the decision to donate if something tragic were to happen to me and my organs could save someone else.  I'm not here to force you to become an organ donor, but if you do, make sure your wishes are known to your family, it can't happen without their permission.  Also, find your state's donor registry and add your name.  Organ Transplant and Donation is a passion of mine, and I know there are a ton of myths out there regarding donation.  If any of you have ANY questions regarding organ donation e-mail me at jenlynn426 dot gmail dot com, and I will be glad to give you any information you would like or I will find it for you!!

Okay, you made it!  Thanks so much for reading my story, and now you know part of why I am so thankful this year!  Have a great weekend!!

Motivational Monday

It's Monday again, which means back to work, even for me.  I hope everyone had a great weekend.  Mine was pretty uneventful.  I worked Friday night which means I slept all day on Saturday, only to find out that I had been placed "on call" for my overtime shift Saturday night so I got the pleasure of being attached to my phone all night just waiting for it to ring... which it never did.  Sunday was basically spent sleeping, catching up on my DVR, and PMS eating (yea, it was bad ).   Try not to be too jealous of my wild and crazy party girl ways.

On to the best part of Mondays... Motivational Mondays post!  What has got you guys working it this week?    I know that during PMS week I have to dig a little deeper to keep on track. It seems like for those few days of overwhelming crankiness all I want to do is eat and sleep my way to the end.... which I did yesterday, so it's time to move on.

Firstly, I finally hit that 50 lb mark last week and I want to keep it up.

Saturday night when I was on call, I decided to hit up Kohl's with my awesome 30% of my entire purchase coupon and some Kohl's cash.  I actually had fun looking for clothes.  I tried on lots of things, and mostly didn't feel terrible in them.  I was able to pick things because I liked them rather than just because it was all that fit, and not a single item came from the plus department (even if I was at the top end of the "regular" side).  Even more exciting... one of my tops is just a large... no extra.  I was pretty excited.   To top it all off, I got a great deal!  I got 2 pairs of skinny jeans and 4 tops for $73, which for me rocks!  I don't pride myself on being a great bargain hunter, I mean I love a good deal as much as the next person and always try to buy only when on sale, but I never seem to get those crazy amazing deals.

My sweet deals!  I can't wait to rock some of this stuff

So with my crazy nights at work recently, I haven't been hitting my workouts in the mornings before bed like I used to.  I also seem to take any reasons I can to skip a workout, and I'm not really sure why.  I enjoy my workouts, and I really love my runs so why am I passing them up so easily??  But this is a new day and a new week, and I am developing a new outlook.  So today I will start my 10k training plan again.  I know it will be hard with my work schedule, but I didn't sign on for easy.  I wanted to get a run in today, but since it's raining, I will stick to the schedule and use the shred as my strength training for the day.

I feel sorry today, and I don't like it one bit!  Tomorrow I choose sore!

Non fitness related motivation...  Thursday morning when I get off work I am headed home for about a week!  I can't wait to spend time with family and catch up with friends.  Friday is a big day for my family (read then to find out why)  so hopefully there will be some celebrating involved, and we are planning on an early Thanksgiving, so I will really have to keep my workouts in check!

Well, I guess I better get to it!  I have to workout and hit the grocery store so that I actually have some food to eat the next few days and then it's time to pack all before I hit the bed for my nap so I can get my work on tonight.  Luckily, it's a dreary and rainy day outside, so I should be able to get my sleep on!  Happy Monday, loves!!

Weighing In

Can I just start by saying YAY to election day being over!!!!!  I am so tired of everyone being so hateful to eachother and I am looking forward to being able to read my Facebook news feed without wanting to erase my page altogether.  Not that I had huge political loyalties one way or the other, it is what it is, someone had to win, someone had to lose. Luckily Alabama beat LSU last weekend, so I think the state just might recover from last night.  National Championship titles are way more important anyways, right??

Yesterday was another glorious Wednesday, which means after I convinced myself that I am in for a long week this week so I really could use the extra sleep instead of 30 minutes with Jillian, I dragged myself out of bed and stepped on the scale expecting to see my new favorite number 225.4 (it still really hurts putting that out there).  Instead, I saw 223.4... WHAT WHAT?!?!?!  It's official, I am down 50 whopping pounds!!!  I felt amazing and that definitely took the edge off of having to work the next 4 nights!! 

So what was different about this week than the last 2??  Honestly, I'm not all that sure.  I didn't really do that much better.  I ran twice and managed to start the shred over... well I did it for one day and was soo sore the next 2 that I haven't mananged to fit it in since then, but I have no excuse today so it's on.  I did do quite a bit better with my eating.  I can only recall 1 meal that was truly "bad" and I have been tracking my calories every day.  I still need to be drinking more water, so I'll make that a priority goal.

So now that I have lost 50lbs, I have no clue how much further I have left to go.  When I was thin, I didn't weigh myself... why would I?   So I don't really have a goal weight.  If I go by BMI standards, I have 70 more to go.  To be completely honest, I think that is quite daunting, and I have always heard that the BMI scale really isn't the best indicator for "normal" weight.  My goal has been to get into size 10 jeans... now I'm thinking why not push it to an 8, but we shall see,  I am basically a solid 16 right now which is a far cry from the 22 I started in.

I will NEVER be this girl again!!

I am so proud of myself, I can't even explain it.  When I started this journey I knew that I had to lose the weight for countless reasons, but the reasons were no different than any other time I had tried and failed.  So there was always this little corner of self doubt in my mind telling me that I couldn't do it, but not anymore. I have done it and I am doing it!!  Most importantly, I am loving the changes I have made in my life.  Not only am I healthier, I am happier.  I feel confident when I get dressed now, and want to look nice rather than grabbing the closest pair of sweatpants.  I have even taken the time to learn new hairstyles and play with makeup.  When I first started c25k I could barely make it through 60 seconds of jogging and had to force myself to even do it for the first 2 weeks.  Now, I love my runs.  I get about an hour all to myself to enjoy my music, the outdoors, and my thoughts.  I push my body further than I ever knew I could and enjoy the feeling of my muscles working.  I can run 3.5 miles without stopping, which I never even considered possible.  I have run a 5k and LOVED it so much that I signed up for another one and plan on many more... maybe even a 10k or a half someday... woah, calm your tits, it'll be a while.

I want to give a huge thanks to Y'ALL!!  When I started this blog I really didn't expect much from it other than another attempt at journaling.  I mean, I thought it would be fun to have some followers, but I never expected the impact that it would make in my little life.  I have met some amazing new friends... and yes, I consider y'all my friends.  Your comments and encouragement make me smile and keep me motivated at times that all I want to do is order a large pan pizza from Dominos and chase it with a dozen smores.  I love keeping up with your daily lives, reading about your ups and downs, laughing and crying with you, and seeing pictures of your kids that restore my faith in reproduction.  So, thank you a million times over for following me and being a part of this journey with me. I can only hope that I help you in any small way in return for all you have done for me.

Now I just have to survive working 6 out of the next 7 nights and then I am off to my parents for a glorious week and an early Thanksgiving!!  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming! 

Have an amazing day, my loves!!