So, today is going to be a little more serious than usual, because I think I may have figured something out.... even though I already basically knew it.
Hello. My name is Jennifer, and I'm a Foodaholic. (Hi, Jennifer)
Food has always been a thing for me. I never seemed to grasp that food is fuel concept. Food is fun, a reward, entertainment, and my friend when I need it to be.
I'm not always a huge sharer of my feelings, but I'll pour my heart out to a medium pizza in an instant.
So, here are some feelings for you guys.
My family dog died at 2am Friday morning, and I got the text from my dad while I was at work. I understand why my dad did it this way, he probably was really upset, but didn't have anyone to be sad with because of how extremely devastated my mom was.... that dog was my brother.
I know some of you are thinking, a dog, really? Yep. My family is one of those families where our pets are more than pets, they are our children and best friends. Brewster meant so much to my mom, and all of us and losing him is going to be tough. He was older and had some joint issues, but we were not really expecting him to just die like that.
This is where MY issues come in. For the past 3 years now, I have lived at least 2 hours from home. I feel like I miss out on a lot, good and bad. And it killed me that I wasn't there for my dog and my mom when they needed me. My mom told me not to come home, because she didn't want me driving upset and because there wasn't anything I could do. So I stayed home.
So, what did I do this weekend? I binged... I ate myself sick on whatever junk I wanted, and I honestly had tried to fight it. It started as I was going to have wings on Friday as a cheat meal, because I was sad... that turned into a weekend full of pizza, cheesey bread, chocolate, cookies, and taco bell. I also couldn't bring myself to go to the gym, probably because of all the shit I loaded myself down with. And I never once, thought of the consequences .. it was a mindless weekend of shoving anything down my face hole that I could fit, and my last night I felt disgusting... busted can of biscuits doesn't even begin to describe it.
Things started to come together for me last night, but I came full circle this morning. I can't do this to myself anymore. I have to find a way to stop letting food control me when the going gets tough. I do amazing when all is right in my life and I have a routine, but as soon as there is trouble in the road, I lose it. Food was not my friend this weekend... I still am heartbroken over losing my Brewster pig, and still feel guilty for not being there with my mom when they came to take him away and today when they will bring his urn home. And now, I am adding the guilt of what I have done to myself. Who knows what kind of damage I did on the scale, but mostly, I let myself down... I was weak when I should have been strong. I didn't reach out for anyone... I just ate. And now I feel 10x worse.... food was my enemy this weekend.
So today, I've started the detox process in my body and I'm ready to get back in the saddle, and I'm going to take a long look at my relationship with food. I don't really know how to see food as fuel alone, but I have to find a way. I deserve that feeling that I have for myself when I have a great week and I don't deserve to feel like this. I worked too hard to get to where I am to go back now... and those size 10 jeans want to be worn again.
Since I hate having things be completely negative, here's a bit of happy for my Monday.
He doesn't really like his picture taken, but this is EXACTLY what he looks like! I even wanted to name him Toothless
This is Obi. We noticed a bunch of cats running around the past couple of weeks and put some food out for them, since it has decided to be cold in Alabama again. Friday night we saw that there was a TINY very scrawny little kitten in the bunch and that they would push him away from the food. He finally gave up and crawled into the box we had put out since it has been raining. When the others left, we noticed that he was still in the box. We picked it up and there he was. Seconds after picking him up he was curled up in my arms purring and I was a goner.
For the record, I hate cats. I have never had one, and they are mean, and weird, and I am just a dog person every step of the way. But this little guy wasn't going to survive without me, and honestly, he caught me on a good day. I couldn't stand the thought of another animal dying that day, so we brought him home. I have no clue what to do with him, and he spends most of his time hiding in the laundry room, and Brick is killing me with the endless curiosity over him, and crying when he can't be all up in his grill. I guess I'll figure it out. It does make me feel good to know that I saved him.
Well, I'm back to work tonight, and I'm going to frantically try to catch up on some things around here before I have to get my nap in. I am ready to the fresh start this week, however, I most likely will not be participating in the weigh in link up this week.... I don't really see they point in adding more sadness to the plate, but I will be back next week fo sho!
Thanks for reading, today
Brewster aka Sir Jiucy Jiggles McBiggins
My birthday cake was on the counter
Ice cream was one of his favorites besides Velveeta